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True Blood: The season Finale

I’m not even sure why I continue watching this show; it’s become that bad, and it’s been that way for at least two seasons. But I keep at it. Every now and then there’s a flash of the old True Blood, and so I still watch.

Sam Merlotte and his shape-shifting girlfriend have been captured by the authority; they escape by changing into flies and flit through the vents. Jason Stackhouse suddenly starts seeing his dead mother and mother, and for some reason that turns him into a vampire-killing Rambo (The show never really explained that). The spirit of the vampire god Lilith has been playing favourites with all the vampire chancellors, and making them kill each other. Alcides the werewolf takes vampire blood to power himself enough to take out the crazed local pack-master.

  And in perhaps the most offensive scene ever filmed for cable, Sheriff Andy Belfleur knocks up a fairy, who then walks into Merlotte’s bar and makes the Sheriff’s girlfriend deliver her quadruplets as she has, like, a zillion deafening birth-orgasms, as the bar’s patrons drink margaritas and make smart-aleck remarks. Just… stop, okay? 

  And the final scene (SPOILERS, obviously)

Bill, after killing Salome (yeah, that one), drinks the entire chalice of the blood of Lilith. He explodes into a shower of blood, appears to die, and then reconstitutes himself from a pool of blood and rises up. He’s covered in gore. Clearly, he’s now super badass, and Eric tells Sookie to run. When Eric looks terrified, you know it’s serious. 

My predictions:

So there’s the outline for True Blood’s next season. With Russell Edgington gone, Bill (or Billith, as you might call him) will now be the big mega bad guy of the season. By the look of things, he will not be affected by stakes, and he may have powers that allow him to be invisible and possibly incorporeal.  He may be impossible to defeat, so much of next season will be Sookie begging him to fight the demon Lilith within him (Sort of like the witch possession plot of last season, come to think of it). Andy Belfleur will be a single dad to four Fairies who will probably grow to adult size within a couple of weeks and will also probably sexually assault unsuspecting men in Bon Temps, Louisiana. Sam will also be a single dad to his girlfriend’s werewolf daughter, as his shifter girlfriend likely died from the strain of imitating Steve Newlin. And Sookie… well, Sookie will keep on causing trouble until someone does us all a favour and kills her.

Look, I show plenty of naked dudes from True Blood, so cut me some slack. Here Jessica Clark as Lilith.

True Blood: Of course Lilith is butt naked

I just finished watching True Blood, the latest episode.

The show is just barely getting back into its swing since its almost fatally terrible previous season. The cons of this season?

1. The useless brujo subplot of Lafayette, although Nelsan Ellis is a fabulous actor. In the first season, he was the Mercutio to the Romeo and Juliette of Sookie and Vampire Bill. Essentially, poor Lafayette looks into the mirror and sees a cheezoid Mexican pro wrestler looking back. Boo!

2. The exploration into Sookie’s past, and whether or not her parents were killed by vamps. This means Sookie has to go to invisible fairy cabarets, where everyone dresses like extras in an old Madonna video. Who cares? We know she has a magical fairy vagina. That’s all we need.

Don’t ever say I’m not generous…

3. The pack-master subplot with Alcides. Even the word pack-master sounds like a derogatory gay insult. And werewolves in their human forms look and sounds exactly like a horde of Klingons from Star Trek: the Next generation, except they forgot prosthetic make-up. The V-blood, the hierarchy of a bunch of people who hang out and drink beer in barns. And we never get to see them change into wolves anyway.

4. Todd Lowe as Terry Bellefleur gives perhaps the finest in True Blood. But there is a smoke monster chasing him, a great big smoke monster made of sparks, and the dreams of a frustrated CGI guy who was probably on his fifth can of Red Bull. This plot barely registers.

Now for the good stuff:

1. Tara in a leather bikini! Yes, I liked this part. Tara is just plain better now that she’s dead.

2. The brilliance of Roman Zimojic, the guardian of the vampire authority. The grand master of vampires should be a fearsome and supernatural presence. But Christopher Meloni (who I’ve heard is a complete goofball in regular life outside of his work as a vampire, prison rapist, and pervert hunter) takes him to the next level. In his hands, The Guardian is the creepy and buff suburban dad who wears skin-tight Nike shirts while priming the BBQ. This portrayal really hit its stride when two weeks ago we saw The Guardian lounging in bed and noodling on his MacPro. Additionally, the authority loves Apple products. They even have killing apps on their iPhones.

3. Russel Edgington, the world’s hammiest and most flaming vampire, is back and fiercer than ever! 

4. SPOILER: The drinking of the blood of Lilith. Bill, Eric, and the rest of the authority drink from the blood of Lilith. It makes them all high as kites, and they crash what looks like a New Orleans street party and bully a Haitian cabdriver. Then they crash what looks like a Sweet Sixteen party and kill everyone. Even children. It’s awesome. And as a climax, Lilith herself appears out of nowhere, and of course she’s naked. Really, really naked. She’s so naked and hot, all the male nudity of the past five seasons is made null and void.  She wanders through the carnage, shrieking supernaturally, poking holes in the scenery with her nipples, and… breathing blood mist or something on her subjects. Apparently, Lilith is the spitting image of a nude Carnavale girl from Rio, and I’m not complaining.

So, there you have it, Folks. True Blood might be decent after all.

‘True Blood’ – season five

I watched the season opener of True Blood last night. Then this morning I read this post about the Charlaine Harris books, which was an was an angry bit of Catch-22 sex-hating bullshit, and then I read a few of the links that post used as references. No surprises: everyone missed the point. A small minority (this word I use mathematically, you trigger-happy connotating twits) of readers and viewers does not understand how a series like this is fun.

Some Jason Stackhouse, medium rare!

Yes, the books and TV show are a contradictory mess of sexism with rape overtones, and bits of racism and ethnocentricity disguised as monster mythology. Yes, the books are written on a Young Adult reading-level (short sentences, chapters, paragraphs, nothing too ambitious)  which is the new normal, and which is now considered the new place for quality books, Booker prize be damned, because people have stopped reading and largely forgotten how to write.

pretty much how Alcides spent the entire season

But people read them. Hell, women read them and enjoy them. I don’t think that fact proves the racism of white people: everyone likes to read books and characters from their own lens and viewpoint. I’ve even heard that (gasp) minorities like to read books from the viewpoint of their own culture - just like us whiteys. (PS. I use the term ‘whitey’ because it’s popular among a certain subset of rage-bloggers out there)

What I can glean from the popularity of the Harris characters is that sexuality and morality is complex. Sookie Stackhouse is a bit of of a bitch, which a lot of women might like to be if they weren’t so concerned about what people think. Other women annoy her and she likes to have sex with lots of handsome men/monsters. Again, why not play to a certain power fantasy women have – of not being tied down by values? A lot of the sex in these books provides a frisson of power and danger, and yes, even a hint of rape, which sort of works like strychnine in your heroin: a little bit of poison makes your freakiness ten times more potent. On the show, the men, while dangerous, are mostly naked, entirely objectified, and running around at the behest of the female leads, who get to keep their clothes on. At one point, when the blonde Eric Northman and the black Lafayette were linked by blood, Lafayette began having erotic dreams about Eric. The online fanbase went bananas – they wanted to see some ebony-ivory love between two of the series’s most prickly characters.

Do you have it in you to climb Mount Skarsgaard?

But back to True Blood, y’all.

Last season was regrettable: the advent of a necromantic witch, who was pretty badass, until Bill used his vampiric prowess to… shoot her in the head. Eric lost his mojo and became a big blonde gerbil, and Sookie missed out on being meat in a supernatural stud sandwich. Lafayette loses his boyfriend Jesus to circumstances too silly to talk about here, and Tara gets… shot in the head. A lot of shooting in the head for a show about vamps and weres. Sam Merlotte and Alcides kill Marcus, the local pack leader, because despite his werewolfery, he is still a douchebag abusive ex-husband to Sam’s new girlfriend and her daughter. I hated last season.

Last night, Pastor Newcomb makes a comeback and coming out) as a creepy gay vampire who can’t get the point. Although the show is going to milk this joke to death, it’s been done before – Russel Edgington, as the best gay vampire ever, and the pasty middle-aged white vampire who hired Lafayette for sex and paid him in illicit vampire blood. Newcombe won’t add anything new.

And it also turns out, Eric has a blood sister – a woman who was also created by Godric . They have wild sex in a shipping container. I don’t see why she’s even here – she doesn’t add anything, and it’s not like Sookie has much to complain about it anyway.

Also, Andy and Terry Bellefleur are back, and at least they’re funny. Terry has the misfortune of having a possessed baby stepson and some sort of Mid-Eastern demon coming after him and his former Desert Storm unit. At this rate, what with the weepiness, the pointless treading of water done by Bill and Eric as they meander away from the Authority, Andy and Terry might end up being the only characters worth watching this season.

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