If you’re a parent, and you have a difficult child, you’re going to buy books. After we had our son tested, the psychologist recommended The Explosive Child, by Doctor Ross Greene.
What exactly does The Explosive Child suggest? I’ll get to that, but before I do, I want to talk about parenting books in general.
I’ve noticed that books tell us we parents are all wrong. Really, we are. We don’t know what we’re doing, and not only that, all the other books that we’ve read before are wrong as well. Are you proponent of attachment parenting? Wrong. Are you into yelling? Wrong. How about time-outs? Most books recommend time-outs but others thing they’re wrong. Is is really important for your kid to learn consequences for his or her actions, and that sometimes a parent should draw a line in the sand? That’s wrong too, as it turns out. Are you raising your kid without the assistance of the Bible? You better believe that’s wrong, chump.
Greene’s technique, which can be laid out in one page but is drawn out to a book with a very large font, is that of Collaborative Problem Solving. There’s Plan A, in which you tell your child what to do. Plan B, in which you both work towards a deal that allows the object of Plan A. Plan C is you give up and live to fight another day. Plan A, if you haven’t guessed, is often what makes volatile children explode in seconds flat. This book hints that previous methods are wrong, and that you are wrong. It lays out endless scripted conversations in which the therapist calmly and patiently points out Dad’s laughable and clueless intractability. but at least The Explosive Child is logical about it. After reading this book, I felt that it makes sense that I’ve been wrong all this time.
It all seems so simple, and it is designed for the inflexible, volatile child, who blows up easily, who is violent, and who has less-developed coping mechanisms than his peers. Your kid wants to do well, and does not want to insult you, hit you, or tell you he (I’ll use ‘he’ from now on because it’s a he in my case) hates you. If coming down hard on him makes him angry, then why continue to do what is making things worse. He needs someone with problem-solving skills to approach him. The book supplies its own dialogue.
Parent: I’ve noticed that we’ve been struggling a lot over homework lately. What’s up?
Kid: It’s too hard.
Parent: It’s too hard… which part is too hard?
Kid: It’s too much.
Parent: It’s too much. I don’t understand… what part is too much?
Kid: The writing part is too much.
Parent: Ah, the writing part is too much.
So the Plan B discussion involves discovery, and bargaining to solve the homework problem. In this instance, the parent figures out a way for the kid to use a voice recorder in order to save his writing hand. Problem solved. It makes wonderful sense, and for a while my wife and I had a wonderful honeymoon period in which we thought we’d found the parenting version of The Dead Sea Scrolls.
But… here’s the thing. Have you ever known someone at work who’s taken management course or conflict resolution courses? They all speak the same way – with a patient, methodical, maddeningly calm and pedantic monotone that often encourages the opposite reaction: rage because you have this feeling of being managed. That this person has taken a special and company-paid trip to some hotel someplace to learn the important workplace skills so he can talk to and manage idiots like you. Some people can make you do what they want and make you want to do it: those people are destined for greatness. Parents like that are destined for greatness. But people like that are few.
Most children, when faced with an adult wielding a Plan B, will respond well at first. Then they start to hear a pattern. I’ve noticed that you’re getting in fights at school. What’s up? I’ve notice that you’ve been hitting your brother a lot lately. What’s up? I’ve noticed that you’re not taking your medication anymore. What’s up? Those kids will think: “Wait a godamm minute. It sounds like these assholes have been reading a book about how to handle me. Well the hell with that! I’m going to leave the room.”
Any system has inherent weaknesses. The Ross Greene approach, with its accent on fairness, maturity, and dialogue, is a good idea. But it cannot really handle a kid who has figured out what’s going on, who has read through that glossy new book on Dad’s nightstand, and who knows that constant silence and refusal put the kibosh on the vaunted Plan B.
I will take the advice of this book, but in no way will I suppose that it will solve everything. Kids are too complicated to be solved by a bestselling book.
