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True Blood: The season Finale

I’m not even sure why I continue watching this show; it’s become that bad, and it’s been that way for at least two seasons. But I keep at it. Every now and then there’s a flash of the old True Blood, and so I still watch.

Sam Merlotte and his shape-shifting girlfriend have been captured by the authority; they escape by changing into flies and flit through the vents. Jason Stackhouse suddenly starts seeing his dead mother and mother, and for some reason that turns him into a vampire-killing Rambo (The show never really explained that). The spirit of the vampire god Lilith has been playing favourites with all the vampire chancellors, and making them kill each other. Alcides the werewolf takes vampire blood to power himself enough to take out the crazed local pack-master.

  And in perhaps the most offensive scene ever filmed for cable, Sheriff Andy Belfleur knocks up a fairy, who then walks into Merlotte’s bar and makes the Sheriff’s girlfriend deliver her quadruplets as she has, like, a zillion deafening birth-orgasms, as the bar’s patrons drink margaritas and make smart-aleck remarks. Just… stop, okay? 

  And the final scene (SPOILERS, obviously)

Bill, after killing Salome (yeah, that one), drinks the entire chalice of the blood of Lilith. He explodes into a shower of blood, appears to die, and then reconstitutes himself from a pool of blood and rises up. He’s covered in gore. Clearly, he’s now super badass, and Eric tells Sookie to run. When Eric looks terrified, you know it’s serious. 

My predictions:

So there’s the outline for True Blood’s next season. With Russell Edgington gone, Bill (or Billith, as you might call him) will now be the big mega bad guy of the season. By the look of things, he will not be affected by stakes, and he may have powers that allow him to be invisible and possibly incorporeal.  He may be impossible to defeat, so much of next season will be Sookie begging him to fight the demon Lilith within him (Sort of like the witch possession plot of last season, come to think of it). Andy Belfleur will be a single dad to four Fairies who will probably grow to adult size within a couple of weeks and will also probably sexually assault unsuspecting men in Bon Temps, Louisiana. Sam will also be a single dad to his girlfriend’s werewolf daughter, as his shifter girlfriend likely died from the strain of imitating Steve Newlin. And Sookie… well, Sookie will keep on causing trouble until someone does us all a favour and kills her.

Look, I show plenty of naked dudes from True Blood, so cut me some slack. Here Jessica Clark as Lilith.

Why Game of Thrones may be doomed

 

 

 

You all know that Game of Thrones is ruined, right? It’s a great show, but it is destined for a terrible failure. This is a shame for wonderful actors like Peter Dinklage, perfectly fine for people like Sean Bean, whose character is conveniently dead, and awful for the shows investors.

Why? A Song of Ice and Fire, which I adore, is cursed with that common mid-aged problem: a sagging middle.

I’ll lay it out, without revealing too much to those who watch the show but who do not read the books.

1. The Greyjoys. Young Theon does very relevant things in this series, but his family, with all its power struggles and dour, boring rituals, slow the book down. The show seems to be obsessed with being true to the books. The Iron Islands may drag them down.

2. Daenerys. I love her. She’s the Mother of Dragons, for goodness’s sake. But while the dragons are amazing, they grow just as slowly as any other animal. Those who are expecting to see dragons over Westeros, as though they were medieval nuclear weapons,will be disappointed. They will remain little for a while.

Also, Daenerys gets involved with innumerable lords from the free cities, and gets bogged down in a lot of boring wars with slavers. While the details are good, it has little to do with Westoros. This show will have to become far more complex, with the complexities doing little to advance the plot. The critics will rake it over the coals.

3. The Lannisters. There are too many of them. If one gets bumped off, another takes his or her place. They’re in power far too long, and the plot suffers. The series will be in stasis for several years.

4. The wars on Westeros. There are hundreds of little houses and banners involved in the wars between North and South. For much of the second, third, and fourth books, the reader is deeply immersed, and having to go back and check with the maps and appendixes. The viewer does not have this option.

5. The Fifth book. This books is set in the same timeline as the fourth book, but with different characters. It will have to be somehow skipped.

The show needs to depart somewhat from the books and concentrate on only the main characters, with the backdrop of the novel as the setting. We need to see only Jon, Jaime, Rob, Tyrion, Brienne of Tarth (whom the viewers have yet to meet), Daenerys, Mance, The Hound, Sansa, and above all Arya, who undergoes a stunning transformation.

Who needs to be written out: House Greyjoy, the countless boring lords in the Free Cities, Beric Donderion and this little religious rebel faction, the resurrection silliness that goes nowhere, and the hundreds of little houses and bannermen. One season of Game of Thrones needs to encompass at least two books, which will be no mean feat.

I wish them good luck.

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